The love still flows, but now it is tempered by will and schedule. I try to get Jules to do things on my schedule and he sometimes resists. Life is no longer just centred around his needs, but around my needs as well, for example to get to work on time and him on time to daycare (which is actually less flexible as I want him to get there in time for morning tea at 9.30). I guess we are also expecting a lot more of him now: to feed himself, to follow instructions, to entertain himself when we need him to, to communicate his needs and wants if he can.
When I look at this list, I realise that it is a transition time for both of us. He is becoming a little boy, and is no longer a baby. I am becoming a working mom. How do we go through these changes and still feel close? Am I doing the right thing working? Should I be putting my energies into creating days for Jules and myself, rather than into outside work?
I want Jules to feel loved, which I know he does, but also to not feel lonely. I often felt lonely as a child, and one of my goals for my relationship with Jules is that he feels a companionship from me. I think this will only happen if we can remain close through each evolving stage of his development. Being close with him when he was a baby was absolutely natural for me. Now that we have reached a new stage, and there is a need on his part for a bit of independence and we have more expectations from him, I'm not so sure about how to continue to build that closeness.
As Steve said tonight, though, "You can only do what you can do, and Jules has a pretty good run of it." I guess I just keep trying, and thinking and reflecting, and in the end it will be what it will be.
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